GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Stephen Sommers)

GI Joe: The Rise of CobraI did not want to go see this movie. I ended up going anyway. I thought I wouldn’t stand it and would either fall asleep or grind my teeth till they crumbled but it was a “watchable” movie. Of course it’s total crap but I must admit it was, for all its stupidity, at least a bit entertaining. But then again, I’m a person who takes pleasure in pointing out a movie’s bad points. I’ll make a bulleted list.

  • The story is dumb: some guy wants to take over the world but some other guys will defeat him. Now that’s unusual!
  • The special effects are boring: some “nanomites” attack the Eiffel Tower and it crumbles to the ground. Did you say “nanomites”? Mites attack fabric, and making them “nano” won’t mean they can eat steel. Soldiers have special suits that enable them to shoot and run faster (that’s when you see the poorness of the scenario: the guys had no idea how to make those soldiers better than regular soldiers, so they gave them accessories). The scenes set in Paris are the most unlikely: Paris is not like that, and no, there’s no tramway line that runs anywhere near the Eiffel Tower. You can check here if you don’t believe me.
  • The twist at the end is totally cliché: like this character, he was so, like, mysterious, and in the end he’s like that guy who everyone thought was dead but he’s like still alive and he was like the baddie all along. Phew.
  • The actors are bad. Channing Tatum, who plays Duke, deserves an award for “most toy-like character”: his face doesn’t move or show any emotion, even though he finds love and is relieved of one of the big burdens of his life. Though maybe that’s actually considered good acting for a movie whose first image is the “Hasbro” logo. Marlon Wayans plays Ripcord, the funny black guy: basically, he’s black and he’s funny (or not). The ladies are unremarkable. Saïd Taghmaoui plays a French-Moroccan guy (Breaker) who doesn’t do much in the movie. His best moment is when his team and him are jailed in France because they were around when the Eiffel Tower crumbled and they can’t explain that they were actually there to prevent the catastrophe because they can’t speak French… except that Saïd can! He carries his French accent during the whole movie but the one time it’s useful he just… doesn’t use it.

All in all, a really bad movie. It made me feel bad for the actors. Also, the cinema I went to seems to turn up the sound for every bad action movie. It was so loud I spent half the time with my hands blocking my ears and I still could listen to all the dialogues. Sheesh.